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  How to Sing the Blues

1.  Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

 2.  "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:

  I got a good woman  
  With the meanest dog in town.  

 3.  The Blues are simple.  After you have the first line right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes ... sort of.

  I got a good woman  
  With the meanest dog in town.  
  He has teeth like Margaret Thatcher  
  and he weighs 500 pounds.  

4.  The blues are not about limitless choice.

 5.  Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs.  Other acceptable forms of Blues transportation is a Greyhound Bus or a southbound train.   Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.

 6.  Teenagers can't sing the blues.  Adults sing the blues.  Blues adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 7.  You can have the blues in New York City, but not Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota is depression.   Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

 8.  The following colors do not belong in the blues:


9.  You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall -- the lighting is not right.

10. Good places for the blues:

  The highway  
  The Jailhouse  
  An empty bed  

         Bad places:

  gallery openings  
  a weekend in the Hamptons  

11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit -- unless you happen to be an old black man.

Robert Johnson

12.  Do you have a right to sing the blues?

        Yes if:

  Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia  
  You're blind  
  You shot a man in Memphis  
  You can't be satisfied  

         No, if:

  You were once blind, but can now see  
  You're deaf  
  You have a trust fund  

13.  Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14.  If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.  Other blues beverages are:

  Irish Whiskey  
  Muddy Water  

        The following are not blues beverages:

  Mixed drinks  
  Any wine Kosher for Passover  
  Yoo Hoo (all flavors)  

15.  If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.  It is not a blues death to die during a liposuction treatment.

16.  Some blues names for women: 

  Big Mama  

17.  Some blues names for men: 

  Little Willie  
  Big Willie  

18.  Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, or Rainbow will NOT be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19.  Other blues names (starter kit): (note, look at the picture below)

  a: name of physical infirmary (blind, cripple, asthmatic)  
  b: first name (see above) and name of fruit (lemon, lime, kiwi, etc.)  
  c: last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)  

Blind Lemon Jefferson


How to Sing the Blues
Evil Overlord
Malibu Barbie
Rabbi and Priest


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